Trusting
I must have been very tired yesterday. When I opened my IPad today, I found yesterday’s post unpublished. I was so sure I had published it that I woke up thinking of a phrase that I wanted to edit, but thought, it’s published, I’ll leave it…
Tonight I will not publish a painting. I created a card for a friend that has a little painting with watercolor pens on the front, and that will be my painting time for the day. I am very tired after working a few hours at the school and celebrating my mother’s birthday. She says she turned 57, and I’m 55, so she is getting younger and younger!
Aging has been on my mind. It’s something I’m grateful for, considering I could have died at 32. But what I worry about is creating a life that gives me enough time to do everything I want to do.
I want to do lots of paintings, publish a lot of books, open a free art school in my town in Puerto Rico, spend time in nature, go to the Magdalene route in the South of France, walk El Camino de Santiago, live free, take my mother to live in Málaga, Spain, return to Italy, build a great art business, meet a lot of people, cultivate friendships, help other artists achieve their dreams, see my son and my nephew become old men, grow a garden, create interesting experiences. There is so much I want!
I don’t want the next 20 years to simply go by. I want them to be my most productive years.
This is probably the wrong attitude toward this problem, it’s not so zen wanting so much. But it’s how I feel. Strongly. That was the gift of cancer. A hunger for life with purpose and constant creation. But I’m too tired every day.
I do a lot of good for people. I can sincerely say that I give all that I can give. But I always feel that I’m in the wrong place, that my mission is different, and that this is a temporary situation where I will do as much as I can for as many people as I can, and then step out into the right dimension for me, where I can help other people in a process that nourishes reciprocally.
Tonight I will imagine the hand of the Magdalene guiding me out of the current dimension, and helping me step into the right one. I need help to take this crucial step in harmony. I have tried several times without success. And I can’t figure out if it’s my own fear or if it’s just not the right time.
I know this process is a step in the right direction. When I achieve my goal, and look back, I will understand. Right now, I just have to trust.
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